The vile Voldemort and woeful Wormtail
by kewlausgirl
Summary: Voldemort and Wormtail are the most vicious villians in the world. Yeah right! Follow the two blundering imbeciles as they try time and time again to take over the world, and destroy Voldemort's evil boy nemesis, Harry Potter.
1. Episode 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. Jo threatened to sue me after trying to steal him... but, I somehow escaped, and here I am writing about her works in a horribly disturbing way! In PG fashion of course - it might get ruder as it goes along, though.

**Author's Note:** The vile Voldemort and woeful Wormtail is a short comic-like story, with each chapter being an episode (the style was influenced by Evilae: 'animorphs vs harry potter').  
I came up with the first episode during a rather boring uni lecture in early 2005. Yes, boredom does bring out the best in you. From there I just kept at the idea of Wormtail being gay, and Voldemort being closet gay, and the two being blundering morons, with the old gag; trying to take over the world. Ithink I bought out theold showssuch as 'Pinky and the Brain', and 'Hugo and Victor' - that I used to love way back in my childhood.

All in all, this is just a fun fanfic made purely for my enjoyment, and to entertain everyone who reads this. Enjoy!

**My style is as follows:**

The double brackets (( )) indicate that is an action, or a description. Usually what is not being said.  
Eg. **Kylie:** ((sighs)) I hope you understand.

_Italics _indicate that it is the Narrator speaking.  
Eg. _**Narrator:** See what I mean?_

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The Adventures of the vile Voldemort and woeful Wormtail**

**Episode 1 -Part one**

**Voldemort:** ((Sighs)) I'm bored.

**Wormtail:** So?

**Voldemort:** ((becomes angry)) Make me unbored then!

**Wormtail:** ((sighs)) If I must. ((Taps his wand on his feet. He starts doing the chicken dance))

**Voldemort:** Good! Good! Now try the hokey pokey! I love that one... You put your right hand in, you take your right hand out, and you shake it all about... ((Voldemort shakes his rump which wobbles from lack of exercise))

**Wormtail:** ((shudders) Oh dear God, no! Not that! Anything but that!

**Voldemort:** (Stops, his face turns alarmingly red - almost as red as his eyes)) How dare you make fun of my dancing!  
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Wormtail:** ((squeaks)) N - no, Sire! I was making fun of your rump - not the dancing!

**Voldemort:** Ah, okay. Wait! WHAT DID YOU SAY? HOW DARE YOU, YOU LITTLE SQUEAKSTER! I SHALL MAKE YOU INTO RAT PIE!

**Wormtail:** sobs I - I'm so sorry, my powerful and sexy Lord. I didn't mean to offend you.

**Voldemort:** What did you say?

**Wormtail:** ((confused)) Er...?

**Voldemort:** You said SEXY!

**Wormtail:** ((shocked)) I did too! Er, I mean, no I didn't!

**Voldemort:** Did too! Heard you, I did!

**Wormtail:** Did not!

**Voldemort:** Too!

**Wormtail:** Not, not, not, not, NOT!

**Voldemort:** ((His eyes gleam and a red power shines around him)) And I tell you, you DID!

**Wortmail:** ((whispers)) Oh,I couldn't help myself, Sire. drools Seeing your buttocks swing to and fro like that, and little me sooo close... ((He begins to get sweaty))

**Voldemort:** ((Furiously appalled and very alarmed)) Oh, that is gross, you little gay pervert!

**Wortmail:** But I tho - thought you... you being surrounded by mostly _male_ servants and no evil mistresses... and you favouring lil' ol' me...

**Voldemort:** ((swears))Bloody Fairies! I hate fairies!

**Wormtail:** Er... where did that come from?

**Voldemort:** Fairies means gayboes you lil' disgusting vermin! Keep up with the times, will you? And I am _not_ gay! I hate that as much as I hate wizards!

**Wormtail:** ((gasps)) Wizards!

**Voldemort:** Er... Muggles... Yeah - that's it. Muggles... Oh sod off, you lil' creep. Get me Potter and I shall forgive you!

()-()-()-()-()

**Episode 1 - Part two: **_Wormtail's anguish_

**Wormtail: **((sighs)) _Get_ Harry Potter._Kill_ Harry Potter - well stuff him! It's all I ever hear... It's obvious why The Voldemeister wants him... ((Breaks down into horrible squeaking sobs)) He likes Harry and n - not me! Who listens to him when he his ideas are so absolutely insane? Who fed him when he was the resemblance of a deranged baby?  
Who... who... who rubbed his back when he broke down after failing to kill him at the Graveyard?  
ME! ALL ME! And for what? To have it all thrown in my face!  
_  
As Wormtail breaks down for the 100th time why his Voldie treats him so, other things are happening elsewhere..._

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Note: Things are NOT happening elsewhere... 

Well, let me know what you thought!


	2. Episode 2

**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own Harry Potter. Why would I want him for, anyhow? Malfoy is sooo much better. Which is why I have made it my ultimate goal to steal Malfoy from under Rowling's nose.

**A/N:** This parody follows the adventures of the two villians, Voldemort and Wormtail. It is taking the fun outlook on villains, and in reading this you ultimately swear to follow and serve our Master, the Dark Lord.

The actions are now doublebrackets: (( demonstrates))

Enjoy my insanity, and please, feel free to review!

Laugh in the face of darkness!

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**  
The Adventures of the vile Voldemort and woeful Wormtail:**

**Episode 2:**

_Another blasted attempt at conquering the world... Our vile villains are contemplating, yet again, on the best tactic for kidnapping our young hero, Master Harry Potter, and taking over our precious, yet not-so-precious, world._

**Voldemort:** ((Breathes in deeply)) Ah, yes! This is the life. Hiding out, plotting evil quests, _and_ ... killing people. (smiles happily)

**Wormtail:** Not to mention free cookies!

**Voldemort: **What?

**Wormtail:** Oh - er... Never mind. (Hides cookies) So... Montrocious Master... what are we going to do this time? Kidnap Harry? Or, better yet, kidnap his _friends_! (Wormtail shudders at the mention of the word friends)  
_  
**Narrator:** Could it be? Is he remembering his treacherous past and finally trembling with guilt?  
_

**Wormtail:** Hell no!  
_  
**Narrator:** Oh, wait. He's trembling with excitement. My mistake.  
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Voldemort:** Friends? What are they? (He asks this with the utmost sincerity and innocence)

_**Narrator:** Yup! He really doesn't know what they are. It's not his fault, though, that no one has befriended him. Personally, I blame the parents...  
_

**Wormtail:** Er... DW

**Voldemort:** DW? Isn't that net slang for don't worry?

**Wormtail: **Um...

**Voldemort: **((furiously angr)) I've told you, Wormtail, numerous times, you hear me? NUMEROUS TIMES! You are NOT to go on my laptop! It is for my use - and for me ONLY! _No_ exceptions!

**Wormtail:** (Looks guiltily at his toes. The nails are popping out of the dirty old shoes he was wearing; he never cuts them.)

**Voldemort:** ((sighs)) What have you been up to this time? Chatting again, I suppose?

**Wormtail:** Y - yes...

**Voldemort:** Well...?

**Wormtail: **There was this really cool guy I was talking to -

**Voldemort:** Oh God! No! That is gross. Anything but that! I meant did you _achieve_ anything on there.

**Wormtail:** Oh, yes! I'm thinking of asking him to be my boy -

**Voldemort:** WORMTAIL, YOU STUPID LITTLE TWITCHY FAIRY! I meant on POTTER!

**Wormtail:** Potter? Why would I want him for?

**Voldemort: **(Face turns as red as his eyes... he actually looks like a traffic light on red) I meant, have you discovered a rather insane, maddeningly thrilling, full-proof way to kidnap him?

**Wormtail: **Oh! Right. Yes, er, that.

**Voldemort:** Well...?

**Wormtail:** No.

**Voldemort:** (Bangs his head against the wall.)

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Review, review, review! Or the Voldemeister will be coming for you! He enjoys torture... 


	3. Episode 3

**Disclaimer:** If I really did own Voldemort and Wormtail, then they really would be like this... and that would be a really, really bad thing. In fact, it would be so horribly horrible and viciously vile, Rowling's writing would all consist of appalling alliteration, such as it is below. This is why she is 'The Creater' and owner, and I am little old me cracking into her world and warping everything. Ah... if only her characters were real and they could read this... Voldemort really would turn green then!

**Author's Note:** From now on I shall be having an introduction. You can imagine a witty male narrator if you wish (despite the fact I am obviously a girl) like with Holly from Red Dwarf (British Red Dwarf - Americanised version is just wrong! Should be illegal remaking awesome shows just the sake for selling them... Also shows lack of respect for the original cast and crew!), or the narrator from the old classic, Where's Wally, or the narrator(perhaps the same man) in Dudley Do Right. Or you could imagine a 20 year old girl who sounds, acts and even looks 16, trying to be cool. Personally, I'd go with the British voice.

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The Adventures of the vile Voldemort and woeful Wormtail:

**Episode 3:**

_  
So here we have it kids, the darkest Dark Lord of them all (except perhaps Hitler…) and his disgusting little vermin of a sidekick, Wormtail (the name says it all folks!) are once more **trying** to rule the world._

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Wormtail:** ((comes rushing up)) His monstrousy wants you to know we are currently taking the month off. Thankyou. ((scampers away))

_**Narrator: **Well, look at that folks! Crime does take time off! So then, it looks like for this episode we get to hang out with our vicious villains and take a deeper look into the social life of such infamous criminals, and find out exactly what villains do in their spare time._

_(Wormtail and Voldemort are sitting on a comfy lounge)_

**Wormtail:** What _do_ villains do in their spare time?

**Voldemort:** ((groans)) What _normal _people do, you grimy git!

**Wormtail:** Oh! Well then, where are my barbies…? ((Pauses for contemplation while Voldemort looks lethal, slowly reaching for the stupid man's neck.)) But, I thought we weren't normal.

**Voldemort: **((pauses)) We aren't -? Oh, what on earth are you on about now? ((looks rather gloomy about having to spend his holidays with the little twit – you can almost feel sorry for him, really. Almost.))

**Wormtail:** We _aren't_ normal. We are infamous! ((He sprays out spit on the word 'infamous' onto Voldemort's face.)) We are the most notorious criminals in the world. _You_ are the most wanted man… and _I'm_ supposedly dead! _(Not any more, of course… but he really is that daft. Now we **really** feel sorry for Voldemort.)_

**Voldemort:** ((Face forms into understanding)) Ah! I'm onto you now! You think that since we are fabulously famous, fearfully fascinating and lusciously lethal, we deserver _not_ to be normal and therefore _not_ live like normal people. ((nods)) After all, we are in a cave.

**Wormtail:** Um, well – no. You've lost me there. I was saying all that because I sounded rad and sexy!

**Voldemort:** ((Turns _green_ this time. One would almost think he tried to unleash the death spell from his face.)) You – you… Really. Bloody. Piss. Me. Off! You know that? ((gasps for air)) I need to… get… fresh air!

**Wormtail:** ((Is moved by his speech, though he has no idea what his luscious Lord is on about. But still, he must look after his Lord. Nurture him. Protect him… Perhaps even bathe him…))

**Voldemort**: ((Breaks into high pitched girly sobs)) You really annoy me. You're so daft! Just… give me some time to myself!  
((Voldemort stops and looks up)) God! Look at me! You're _growing_ on me!

((Wormtail visibly glows with warmth))

**Voldemort**: No, you fool! I meant it as a bad thing! Lord, you're turning me into a wreck! Look at me! Oh I've had enough of this! I'm going to see a psychiatrist, THEN book a holiday.

((Wormtail is excited again))

**Voldemort**: _Without _you!

_He goes off in a huff leaving a disgruntled little Wormtail behind._

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And all together now: _AWW..._

Please review guys. Comments much appreciated!


	4. Episode 4: Part One

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Disclaimer:** I don't own Voldemort or Wormtail, but I do own wacky this version of Rowling's story. It's mine, I tell you, mine! All mine!

**A/N: **Sorry it's been a while for uploading. I have been stressing out the past two weeks trying to finish assignments for uni, and so on. And, mostly, the internet is being evil – and even though I have a nicely paced internet speed – it won't seem to upload my story onto here. But, as it's here now, I seem to have gotten it working. Huzzah!

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The vile Voldemortand woeful Wormtail**

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Episode 4:** Part 1

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Narrator:** Good evening, my little dark sidekicks. I assume you are writhing with so much excitement that you can't even blink because you are too afraid to miss one word! Well then, let's take a sneak peak into our Devilish Dark Lord's cave…

_(The cave is furnished with a soft leather lounge, some comfy small sofa lounges, and two leather padded armchairs (Wormtail **insisted **that he had one as well). A large Widescreen T.V. looked silent and alone on the left of the cave, and in the far end there were stairs that led to a carpeted hallway, to the bedrooms, Voldemort's being king-sized. Who'd ever thought crime could be so luxurious?)  
_

_**Narrator:** Now where could he be? Ah! I bet Wormtail is serving him lunch right about now._

_(A small and cosy kitchen is on the right side of the cave, next to the dining table that is in the middle.)_

_**Narrator: **Empty? Oh dear! Where on **earth **could they be?_

_(A black crow flies into the cave, through a small vent-like tunnel in the ceiling.)_

_**Narrator:** What's this – Voldemort's crow? Our Lord must have a message for us!_

_(Voldemort's crow, Chucky, drops a small torn bit of parchment onto the dining table. Why Voldemort called his crow Chucky is beyond me. Maybe he named it after the ugly doll in the movie, 'Chucky'? Or perhaps he had developed a fondness for chucky in the show 'Rugrats'...)_

**Chucky the Crow:** Crow… Crow… Caw… Caw…

**_Translation:_** Oh you stupid thing! Hurry up and read the message so I can get back to my beloved Hedwig! _(Voldemort almost blew when he found out the two were dating, and then when the two love-birds discovered the joys – and horrors – of parenthood, Voldemort had a fit – and then a stroke. He actually believes Chucky has moved on after Voldemort found their eggs and gave them to Wormtail to boil for breakfast. What Voldemort doesn't know, or refuses to believe, is that his beloved pet and pal – almost – is actually spying on him and sending information to Harry and Dumbledore. In return they give him freedom, love, time with his chicky-dee and, most importantly, free cookies.)_

_(The letter opens itself and begins to read aloud in Voldemort's voice)_

**Voldemort's voice in the letter:** I am terribly sorry, my little Darklings, but I am unable to entertain, nor plot Harry's death with you, nor even try to even take over the world. I am, at the moment, currently attempting to invade the impossible and do the unthinkable, and kidnap Harry in broad daylight from the Dursleys. I apologise for the inconvenience, and hope to see you again sometime soon.

So, for now; to infinity and beyond! To endless days of destruction and despair!

Love,

The Dark Lord aka Voldie.

xoxoxo

P.S. If you are still reckless and you wish to find me, I am at Number 4, Privet Drive, Surrey, Britain, Northern Hemisphere, The Muggle World.

_(The note bows gracefully and then crumbles up and burns itself to ashes.)_

_**Narrator: **Well then, future Dark Lords, Servants, Criminals and Villains – to the forsaken place!_

___

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TBC… Episode 4 -Part 2: Dursleys' House._


End file.
